| Jan. 6th, 2006 @ 03:02 am do you ever wish... |
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Do you ever wish you were diffrent? someone else? in another world or country even? perhaps as a woman than a man? (fyi i dont) british instead of american? i no longer want to be me. im tired of this average body, meager existance, and puny lifestyle. i wish i was special, extraordinary... i wish i stood out in the crowd instead of melted into its masses. i dont know how to acheve this. what does it take to be known? what does it take to actually be loved? how can i be this extreme version of myself?
i cant.
oh please, do you really think im that dumb? i know that im stuck in this life, and there is really nothing i can do about it. i cant wear the designer clothes and drive a sports car. im 19!!! i want these things before it is even consiveable. i see these perfect bodies in magazines and tv. they are my idols. i want their finely tailored suits and distroyed jeans. i want their chiseled face to replace my pudgy one. i need their abs to wash away the layer of fat that constrains my confidence and number of any cute boy. we are so vain. i find myself getting lost in stories and wishing i was the main character. the one important enough for a novel to be made about them. where is my novel? why is my story so pitiful and hopeless? eeeeeehhhhhh... this is why work and school are good for me. so i dont wallow. i mean, im not a huge fan of work right now, and im a bit apethetic about school... but it keeps my mind off things.
like all things, my life is a paradox. i hate my standard living but it is a relief. i would love to be a great movie star, but would hate the media attention. i would love to be privlaged and live a life of opulance, but i know people like that usually are not people of substance. i would not be any different. i want to be the boy who lived, but would hate to actually live his life. i waste away the hours in another world of wizards and stormtroopers. i want cedric diggory to live dammit... and then go out with me. i want to be a chosen one. someone to distroy a ring or save the world. but i reach into nothing but desprate hopes and faults of my own doing. i cant do anything if i dont put myself out there. im afraid, a child. a child of 19 who wonders were the childhood he supposedly had went. where were the drunken parties and mishif in high school? the scraped knees in grade school? why didnt i have any girlfriends... hell, boyfriends? why was i so square never wanting to break the ice? why am i so scared even now? where is the meaning in my life? am i even supposed to be more than a flash in the pan? i hope so.
i need to accept my $7 an hour or get another job. find my body sutable or start working out. i realise im lucky. my parents pay for most of my existance. my car, its insurace, phone, hell even rent if i cant do it. (and lately i havent been able to.) i am so lucky, and so ungreatful. i love my parents so much, but have nightmares telling my dad that im gay. i have the best friends but treat them so badly. i can be almost rude and im sorry. i wish i could give you all the world, but i wonder if ill eat until next friday. i know i need to save my money, but my ass is begging me for those new deisel jeans. i cant do that. if im ever to make the best of my future, im going to have to be able to settle with second rate for now.
im foolish enough to hope... but wise enough to know the truth. thank god i can still dream.
Dan~
ps: sorry its so long. and sorry i dont really post anymore. i guess if i wrote my feelings more i wouldnt have to write a manifesto like this and takeup half you friends pages... |
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lost_sloth's journal
pissed off
kill me now.. or get me a tv
mmkay bert